Joke Mania

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden
their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety
of lifesavers and said, “Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and
taste these.”
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint,
but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of
the kids were stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher. “It’s somethin your mommy
and daddy probably call each other all the time.”
Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted,
“Spit ‘em out, they’re assholes!”

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old
son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, “All of you sons of
bitches who want off, get the hell off now… cause this is the last
stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your
asses in the train cause we’re going down the tracks”

The horrified mother went in and told her son, “We don’t use that
kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room
and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,
you may play with your train… but I want you to use nice language.”

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed
playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard
her son say… “All passengers, please remember to take all of your
belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant
one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.”

She heard her little darling continue… “for those of you just boarding,
remember there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a
pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”

As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who
are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the
kitchen…”

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, “Harry what is your problem?” Harry answered, “I’m too

smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I’m smarter

than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!”

Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office. While Harry

waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the
situation was.

The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed
to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and

behave.

She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed

to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Harry: “9″.

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

Harry: “36″.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know.

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to
the third-grade.”

Ms Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?” The
principal and Harry both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

“Harry, after a moment “Legs.”

Ms Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

Harry: “Pockets.”

Ms Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”

Harry: “Pants”

Ms Brooks: What’s a start with a C and ends with a T is hairy, oval, and

delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: Coconut

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Harry was taking charge.

Harry: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a
dog do on three legs?

The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: Shake hands

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort of questions, okay?

Harry: Yep.

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I
get wet before you do.

Harry: Tent

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The
best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.

Harry: Wedding Ring

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow
me, you feel good.

Harry: Nose

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Harry: Arrow

Ms Brooks: What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of

heat and excitement?

Harry: Fire truck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself.”

There is a little white boy with an all white family playing outside in the mud.
He rolls around and realizes he is covered in mud.He goes inside and tells his mom “Look mom I’m black.” She says come here. He went and she whooped him.
She said go tell your dad what you did.
He went to his dad and said “Look dad i’m black.” He said come here and he started to whoop him. Go to your grandma and tell her what you did. The grandma did the same thing. He went back to his mom and she asked “What have you learned today?” The boy said “I’ve been black for five minutes and I already hate you white basterds!!!”

This 40 year old guy is driving home from work and he pulls into his driveway, walked up to his apartment, and then sees his girlfriend with her bag packed up. He says, “Honey, why are you leaving me”
she say, ” cus I hear you’re a pedifile!”

He responds, “Pedifile?… Thats a pretty big word for a 10 year old, don’t you think?”

A woman is in the hospital and just had twins, a boy and a girl. But no one is there with her except her brother.
The nurse comes into the room after the delivery and says,”your brother has taken the liberty to name the children.”
The new mother says,”Oh no. he probably gave them stupid names.”
The nurse says,”The girls name is denise.”
The mother says,”That’s not bad, i like it. And the boys?”
The nurse says,”The boys name is De-nephew.”

Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly
letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When she
insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little
Johnny said, “I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I’m
very proud of that fact.”

The teacher says, “If I show you I can do it better than you, will
you stop?”

Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the
floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped
his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck
of dust off the paper.

The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down,
farted and when she was done there was not a trace of chalk dust
left on the paper. Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her
do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny
peeked up underneath her skirt.

“No wonder you won!” he exclaimed indignantly, “you’ve got a
Double-Barrel!”

A five year old boy was living with his mother, as his parents had divorced. One Sunday, she decided to take him to the zoo for the first time in his life. As they passed the various assortment of animals, she would tell the little boy what they were called and make him repeat it. After the lions, gorillas, giraffes and bears, they came upon the elephant exhibit.

“That’s an elephant”, the mother said.

After the child repeated after her, he asked, “Mommy? What’s that thing hanging down from the elephant?”

The mother replied, “That’s his trunk, sweetheart.”

“No, no”, said the child, “Behind that!”

“Oh, that’s his tail”, she said.

“No, no!” the boy exclaimed. “That thing in the middle!”

The woman was flustered and replied, “Uhhhh, that’s nothing, honey!” And they moved on…..

The next weekend, the boy’s father came to pick him up and the child cried, “Daddy, let’s go to the zoo! I learned all about the animals, and I want to show you what I learned!”

The father agreed, so off to the zoo they went. As they passed each cage, the child would shout out the name of the animal, and the father would praise him for being so smart. Finally, they arrived at the elephant cage, and the boy shouted, “Elephant!”

“Very GOOD”, beamed the father. “I’m proud of you for remembering all these animals!”

The boy asked, “Daddy? What’s that thing hanging down on the elephant?”

The father replied, “That’s his trunk.”

“No!”, the boy moaned, “Behind that!”

“That’s his tail”, the father replied.

“No, no! That thing in the middle!”

The father stammered, “Er…what did your mother say it was?”

“She said it was nothing!”

“Well”, the man said, puffing out his chest. “Your mother’s spoiled!”

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children…
“You all have obsessions,” he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, “You are obsessed with eating.
You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: “Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: “Your obsession is alcohol.
This too manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy
by the hand and whispers. “Come on, Dick, we’re leaving.”

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said. “An ambulance just drove by.” A few moments passed.

“Looks like the Anderson’s have company,” he called out. “Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.”

Mom and dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled father asked.

“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied.