Joke Mania

Little Johnny says “Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.”
“Well, you’ve done the right thing,” says Mommy

“But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.”

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. A nun made a note and posted it on the apple tray: “Take only ONE……God is watching.”

Further along the line, at the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note: “Take all you want……God is watching the apples.”

Cute little 5-year old Tiffeny comes home from kindergarten and says to her mother:
“Momy, Tomi’s penis is like a peanut”.

Her mother, a little surprised, asks:
“why? is it because it’s so small, darling?”.

“No,”, answers Tiffeny, “because it’s so salty”…

A little girl goes to visit Santa at the Mall. When it is her turn she sits on his lap and Santa says “Have you been good?”

Little Girl, “Yes, Santa, very good.”

Santa, “What would you like for Christmas?”

Little Girl, “I want Barbie and G. I. Joe.”

Santa, “G. I. Joe? Doesn’t Barbie come with Ken?

Little Girl, “No, Santa, Barbie fakes it with Ken. But she comes with G. I. Joe.”

Christmas morning a boy rides down the road on his brand new bike when a cop on a horse rides up beside him and says “Did Santa bring you that bike?”
“yea” the boy replies.
“Well maybe next year you can ask Santa to give you a helmet for that bike” and proceeds to write that boy up a 20 dollar ticket.
As the boy rides away on his bike he turns around and says to the police man “Did Santa bring you that horse?”
humoring the boy he says “sure”
“Well maybe next year you can ask Santa to put the dick on the bottom of the horse a instead of on top!”

As a pregnant woman walked into a bank one day, a man dressed in black came in and shot her three times in the stomach. She was immediately rushed to the hospital.

She survived and had three children… two girls and one boy.

About ten years later, one of the daughters went up to her mother and said…”mom, something really weird happened to me. Yesterday when i was taking a crap I passed a bullet through my ass!”

The mother thought for a moment remembering the shooting that happened and told her daughter not to worry about it.

The next day, the second daughter went up to her mother and said “mom, something really weird happened to me. I was taking a crap the other day and I passed a bullet through my ass…”. The mother told her not to worry about it.

The next day, the son went up to his mom and said “hey mom, guess what happened to me?”

The mom interupted - “let me guess, you passed a bullet through you ass too???”

Then he replied “no… I was jacking off and i shot the dog!”

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says…”Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!” The mom says…”the bigger they are, the dumber they are.”

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says…”Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy’s!” The mom says…”the bigger they are, the dumber they are.”

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says…”Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got !”

It’s the first day of kindergarten, and the teacher decides to do taste association. ‘I’ll blindfold you and give you a lifesaver, and you tell me what flavor it is,’ she tells the children. So she gives them all a cherry flavor, and says, ‘What flavor is that?’

The whole class answers ‘Mmmm, that’s cherry.’

‘Very good,’ the teacher replies. So she gives them all a grape and they reply, ‘Mmm, that’s grape.’

‘Very good,’ she says again.

Then she gives them all a honey flavor. The whole class sits perplexed by the strange taste, so the teacher says ‘OK, I’ll give you a hint, it’s something your parents might call each other.’

Billy spits his out on the floor and yells, ‘Spit ‘em out everyone, they’re ASSHOLES!’

The little boy walks into his father’s bedroom and
catches him putting on a condom.

He says, “What are you doing, Pop? The father
stutters “I’m going to kill a mouse, son.”

The kid says, “What are you going to do, fuck him
to death?”

Little Josh comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day.

“Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,” he asks, “will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?”

His father thinks a bit, then says, “No, I don’t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?”

“Osama bin Laden,” David says.

“Why Osama bin Laden,” his father asks in shock.

“Well,” Josh says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot. And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.”

His father’s heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride. “Josh, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard.”

“I know,” Josh says, “and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him.”