Joke Mania

why does sour cream have an expiry date?

Upon landing hard, the pilot got on the PA system, “Sorry, folks for the hard landing. It wasn’t my fault, blame it on the asphalt.”

On this particular flight, the airline pilot noted that he had “hammered the plane a little hard on the runway.”

The airline policy was that he had to stand at the exit and apologize to each passenger getting off the plane, saying, “Thank you for flying XYZ airlines and sorry for the rough landing.”

All the passengers had gotten off the plane, except for one little old lady, walking with a cane and wearing a hearing aid.

She proceeded to walk up to the pilot and and said, “Do you mind if I ask a question?”

He said, “Why no, ma’am, go ahead.”

She then replied, “I didn’t hear the announcement. Did we land, or were we shot down?”

At age 4, success is………………not peeing in your pants. At age 12, success is………………having friends. At age 20, success is………………having sex. At age 35, success is………………making money. At age 70, success is………………having sex. At age 80, success is………………having friends. At age 90, success is………………not peeing your pants.

An Englishman, a Scott, and a Irishman walked into a pub.
Each orderd a pint of beer . Then a fly landed in each one’s
beer . The Englishman, turning slightly green, pushed his beer away and asked for another one .The Scott took the fly out ,
shrugged, and drank his beer . The Irisman pinched the fly
between his fingers and yelled ” SPIT IT OUT! “SPIT IT OUT!”

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered
to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”

“Because white is the color of happiness and today is the
happiest day of her life.” Her mother tried to explain, keeping
it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So, why
is the groom wearing black?”

A little kid asks his father, “Daddy, is God a man or a woman?”
“Both son. God is both.”

After a while the kid comes again and asks, “Daddy, is God black or white?”

“Both son, both.”

The child returns a few minutes later and says, “Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?”

Can a teacher give a homeless man homework?

If 7-11(pharmacy) is open 24/7 then why do they have locks on their doors?

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age. A
little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do
you think I’ll live to be 80?”

He asked, “Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?”

“Oh no,” I replied. “I’ve never done either.”

Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”

I said “No, I’ve heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
ballooning, or rock climbing ?”

“No, I don’t,” I said.

He said, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?”

“No,” I said. “I’ve never done any of those things.”

He looked at me and said, “Then why do you give a shit if you live to be
80?”

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.