Joke Mania

What do you call a lesbian asian?
minjeeta

Q:What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A:A quater-pounder with cheese.

A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but “Maxwell House”. Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Maxwell House jar. It said, “good, till the last drop”.

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: “Benson & Hedges”. Mon now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes, she read from the B & H pack: “Extra Long. King Size”. She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then, after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it shaky words: “British Airways”. Mom took out her latest Harper Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages, fearing the worst and finally and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: “Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways”.

Mom fainted.

There is a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with two monkeys and a woman
on board. The control centre is the US calls:

“Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the television screen.” He sits down
and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the
temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the
monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.

A few moments later the control centre calls again:

“Monkey number 2, monkey number 2 to the television screen.” He sits down
and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection
to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the
solar radiation. So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel
injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.

A little later on, headquarters calls again:

“Woman, please woman approach the screen.”
She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says…
“I know I know!! Feed the monkeys, don’t touch anything.”

Why did the blonde get fat after doing her homework?

Because the teacher told her to do an Essay.

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every day. One day, when he came to, he motioned her to come nearer. He whispered, eyes full of tears: “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When our house burnt down, you were there. When my health started failing, you were by my side. You know what?”

“What dear?”, she gently asked.

“I think you are bad luck”, he said.

Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided
that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, “Well
Leroy, it isn’t Christmas and we don’t have the money to just go out and buy
you anything you want. So why don’t you write a letter to Jesus and pray for
one instead.” After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He
finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus,
I’ve been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.

Your Friend,
Leroy

Now, Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat), so he
ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.

Dear Jesus,
I’ve been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.

Your Truly,
Leroy

Well, Leroy knew this wasn’t totally honest, so he tore it up and tried
again.

Dear Jesus,
I’ve thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?

Leroy

Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his
mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of
almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and
went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the
way he treated his parents and really considered his actions. He finally
found himself in front of a Catholic Church. Leroy went inside and knelt
down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got
up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of
a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home, hid it
under his bed and wrote this letter.

Jesus,
I’ve got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike!

Sincerely,
You know who

Mr. Smith went to the Doctor’s office to collect his wife’s test results.

The receptionist says, “I’m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife’s. Frankly, that’s either bad or terrible.”

Mr. Smith says, “What do you mean?”

The receptionist replies, “Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell which is your wife.”

Mr Smith exclaims, “That’s terrible! What am I supposed to do now?”

The receptionist calmly replies, “The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don’t go to bed with her.”

What’s the difference between female at the ages of 8, 18, 28, 38, 48 and 58?

08 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
28 - You don’t need to tell her any story and take her to bed.
38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
58 - You stay in bed all day to avoid her story.

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she
had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with
her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise
of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang,
the well known Chinese sex therapist. So she went
to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang
said, “OK, take off all you crose.”

The woman did as she was told.

“Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder
side of room.”

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, “OK, now craw reery reery
fass back to me.”

So she did.

Dr.Chang slowly shook his head and said, “Your
probrem vewy bad - you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse
case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates.”

Terrified., the woman asked, “Oh my God, Dr. Chang,
what is Ed Zachary Disease?

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied,
“Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary
rike your ass.”