Joke Mania

OK, so there are 3 guys, and they are walking down the beach, when they find an old barnacle-encrusted bottle laying on the shore. One of the guys, says
“Hey look. Its a bottle hehe”, and he picks it up and throws it. It cracks against a nearby palm tree, and a blinding flash of white light engulfs them. A deep voice says
“I am a Genie. I have been trapped in that bottle for over a millenium. You have freed me and it is all I can do to give you each 1 wish. Of anything you desire.”
So the first guy is pretty bewlidered, but he thinks (something he has not done in quite a while)
and says…
“uhhh… I wanna be 2 times smarter yup…”
so the genie grants his wish and he becomes two times smarter, and begins to recite the multiplication tables.
The genie turns to the other guy, who was slightly smarter than the first one, and asks him what he wants. The man replies,
“Well, I don’t want to be stupider than HE is, so let me be 10 times smarter.”
The genie grants his wish and he suddenly is able to recite any word out of the dictionary, and can practically do anything!
The genie turns to the last guy and asks HIM what his wish is. The guy thinks hard for a moment, and the perfect wish comes to him.
He says proudly, “I want to be 100 times smarter than I am now.”
The genie looks at him uncertainly, and tries to persuade him to wish for something else. The man gets angry, and says “MAKE ME 100 TIMES SMARTER!!!!!!”
the genie sighs, and promptly turns him into a woman.

One day, this lady is golfing, and she hits her ball in the woods. she goes to look for it, and intead finds a frog in a trap.
Hey, it says. Let me go and I’ll grant you 3 wishes.
Ok, she says. So she frees it, and it says,
Sorry, forgot to tell you. whatever you get, your husband gets ten times the amount of whatever it is you wish for.
Ok, fine.
So, the frog asks, what’s your first wish?
I want to be the most beautiful women in the world.
Fine, it says. Suddenly, she’s gorgeous.
You are the most beatiful woman. But now your husband is ten times more handsom than you.
Thats ok, she say. He only has eyes for me.
Whats your second wish? it asks her.
I want to be the richest woman in the world. The frog then says, ok, but now your husband is ten times richer.
Thats ok she says. Whats his is mine, whats mine is his.
OK, the frog says. that is your last wish. what is it gonna be?
I want a mild heart attack.

Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their
position in life, and it’s clear that they’re trying to one-up each other.

The first one says, “My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two
weeks on vacation.” She looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second one says, “Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes,”
and looks about with considerable pride.

Young woman number three says, “Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we
don’t have much money and we don’t have many material possessions.
However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries
can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis.”

After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, “Girls, I’ve got a confession
to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling
you about? Well, it’s not to the French Riviera, it’s to my folks’ house in Terre
Haute for two weeks.”

The second one says, “Your honesty has shamed me. It’s not a Mercedes; it’s
a Plymouth.”

“Well, I’ve got a confession to make myself,” says the third one. “Canary number
fourteen has to stand on one leg”.

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes
back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses
a note to the Chinaman that says,
“Use more soap on panties.”

This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the
laundry.

Finally fed up the Chinaman responded with his own note that said,
“Use more paper on ass.”

One Saturday evening the door bell rang. Bubba answered the
door, where he was greeted by a young man with bad case of acne.

The boy smiled, and said, “Hi, my name is Joe. I’m here to pick
up Flo. We’re going to see a show. Can she go?”

Bubba shook his head, and told his daughter to have a nice time.

A short time later there was a knock at the door. Upon opening
the door Bubba was greeted by another pimple faced boy who smiled
and said, “Hi, my name is Eddie. I’m here to pick up Betty.
We’re going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?”

Bubba shook his head, and kissed his daughter good night.

No sooner had Bubba sat down that the bell rang again. Bubba
opened the door to be greeted by a boy with clear skin who said,
“Hi, My name is Chuck.” With that, Bubba shot him.

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death’s agony, he
suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies
wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and
lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly
made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort
forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both
hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame,
gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the
kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate
chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic
love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world
a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the
table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched
lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his
mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and
withered hand, shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of
the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his
wife.

“Stay out of those,” she said, “they’re for the funeral.”

A man was watching the football game one Sunday morning, when his wife walked into the living room and said, “Honey, the refrigerator doesn’t seem to be working very well. Can you take a look at it?”

The husband said, “Who do I look like, the Maytag repairman? I’m watching the game!”

The woman scowled and walked out. About an hour later, she walked back into the living room and said, “Honey, now the toilet is backed up! Can you please take a look at it?”

The man responded, “Who do I look like, Josephine the plumber? I’m watching the game!”

The wife turned on her heel and marched out of the living room. Later in the afternoon, she came back in and said, “I don’t believe it! Now the CAR won’t start! Can you please check it out?”

The man growled, “Who do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench? I told you, I’m watching the game!”

The woman, now extremely pissed off, stormed out of the room.

The next day, the man was at work, feeling guilty about the way he’d treated his wife the previous day. He decided to buy his wife some flowers and surprise her by coming home early with them. When he walked in the door, he walked into the kitchen and found her there. He gave her the flowers and apologized to her, saying, “Well, I guess I’ll have a look at the fridge now.”

“Don’t bother”, she snapped. “Bob, from next door, came by and I told him about it, so he came in and fixed it.”

The man said, “Oh. Okay, well, I’ll check out the toilet, then.”

“He fixed that, too”, she sniped.

“Oh”, he said. “Alright, then, I’ll take a look at the car.”

“Bob already found the problem and fixed it”, she said.

The husband stood there dumbfounded. “He did all that for free? Wow, that was awful nice of him.”

The woman replied, “Well, he didn’t exactly do it for free….”

The man said, “You mean you paid him? How much did he ask for?”

She said, “I didn’t pay him in money. I asked him if there was anything I could do to repay him, and he said he wanted me to either bake him a batch of brownies or he wanted a blow job.”

The man was stunned. “Okay, so you made him some brownies….”

The woman snapped, “Who do I look like, BETTY CROCKER?”

One day a little boy went up to his father to get some help on his vocabulary homework. He had a hard time figuring out what theoritically and realistically meant. He went to his father and asked, “dad, what does theoritically and realistically mean?”
His father said, “well son, if you want to know, then this is how you’ll find out…go up to your mom and ask her if she would sleep with a complete stranger for $500,000.”

The boy looked puzzled and said, “but what does this have to do with it?” “don’t worry about it, just go do it.” his fahter said. So the boy ran upstairs and came running back down 2 minutes later saying “Dad, Mom said she would do it.”
His Father said, “good, now go ask your sister the same question you asked your mother now.” The boy became confused again. but…but, “Trust me son, just go ask her and come back.” So the boy ran into his sisters bedroom and came back out to his father in a matter of a few seconds. “Dad, sissy said she would do too, but what does this have to do with what theoritically and realistically mean?”

His dad replied, “well son, theoritically I have 1,000,000 dollars and realistically we have two whores living in the house.

A woman went to her plastic surgeon to discuss her frown lines. The surgeon brought out a dial.

“If you see any wrinkles, just twist this dial and it will stretch your skin.”

The woman tried the dial and it was working great! But after three years with the dial, she had to see the surgeon again.

“Doctor, I don’t know what’s wrong; I keep twisting the dial but I just can’t get these bags out from under my eyes.”

The Doctor said “, I’m sorry but, those aren’t bags under your eyes, those are your breasts.”

“Oh,” she said. “That would explain the goatee.”

Whats the difference between a womans paycheck and her periods?
Well…:
They come once a month,
They get her stressed,
And if one don’t come…SHES IN TROUBLE.