Joke Mania

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note : romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to Nordstorm and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the note :

“I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my Love”

“PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.”

A lovely lady walks into a Mercedes dealership. She browses around, then
spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the
fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she
looks around nervously to see if anyone had noticed her little accident. She
turns back, and there, standing next to her, is a salesman.

“Good day, Ma’am. How may we help you today?”

Very uncomfortably she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely
vehicle?”

He answers, “Ma’am, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit
when you hear the price.”

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they’re just lying there, the phone rings. Since it’s the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver.
Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation. “Hello? Oh, hi. I’m so glad that you called. Really? That’s wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye, bye.” She hangs up the phone and her lover asks, “Who was that?” “Oh” she replies, “That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with YOU!”

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly she got in her divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up on the shore. Ten-fold she rubs the lamp and out pops a magical genie. The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting on a pile on one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private bach. In an instant it was granted, but then genie then reminds her again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions. Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the women informs the genie that she wants to make her last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for. “No problem,” said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. “For my last wish, I’d like to give birth to twins.”

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were
spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne
and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,”Ewww
- what’s wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.
Why are your feet so gross?”

“I had tolio as a child,” he answered.
“You mean polio?” she asked. “No, tolio. The disease only
affected my toes.”

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued
undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again
wrinkled up her nose. “What’s wrong with your knees?”
she asked. “They’re all lumpy and deformed!”

“As a child, I also had kneasles,” he explained.
“You mean measles?” she asked.
“No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees.”

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing
continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

“Don’t tell me,” she said. “Let me guess… Smallcox?”

One day while walking through the Garden of Eden, Adam looked up to the Heavens and spoke to God. “Father this place is great, but there is one thing missing”.

“What is that my son”, God answered.

“Well it would be nice to have a mate, I’m awfully lonely down here and all the other animal have mates but me. All I’m asking for is a creature more beautiful than the Garden, one who has a sex drive like mine, never has a headache and one who will cook, clean and be at my beckon call morning, noon and night.” said Adam.

“Wow that’s a tall order, but I have just such a creature in mind, but it’s going to cost you”. said God.

“Oh yeah, how much?” said Adam

“An arm and a leg.” replied God.

Adam thought this over for quite some time and then asked “Well, what can I get for a rib?”

1.I’m busy. You’re ugly. Have a nice day.
2.Warning : I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
3.Remember my name - you’ll be screaming it later.
4.Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
5.I’m a multi-tasker : I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
6.Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
7.You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
8.Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
9.Guys have feelings too. But, like . . . who cares?
10.I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.
11.Next mood swing : 6 minutes and counting.
12.I hate everybody, and you’re next.
13.Please don’t make me kill you.
14.And your point is . . .
15.I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re OK now.
16.All stressed out and no one to choke.
17.I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.
18.How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
19.They aren’t hot flashes, they’re power surges!
20.Of course I don’t look busy . . . I did it right the first time.

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo playing geek in ‘Deliverance’)

9. There’s a slight difference in our ages. (I don’t want to do my dad.)

8. I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way. (You are the ugliest dork I’ve ever laid eyes on.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don’t want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I’m seeing.)

6. I’ve got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry’s.)

5. I don’t date men where I work. (I wouldn’t date you if you were in the same ’solar system’, much less the same building.)

4. It’s not you, it’s me. (It’s you.)

3. I’m concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I’m celibate. (I’ve sworn off only the men like you.)

1. Let’s be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and lay. It’s the male perspective thing.)

A girl walked up to the information desk in her local hospital and said, “I need
to see the upturn, please.”

“I think, you mean the ‘intern,’ don’t you?” asked the nurse on duty.

“Yes,” said the girl. “I want to have a ‘contamination.’”

“Don’t you mean ‘examination,’” the nurse questioned her again.

“Well I want to go to the ‘fraternity ward,’ anyway.”

“I’m sure you mean the maternity ward.”

To which the girl replied: “Upturn, intern; contamination, examination; fraternity,
maternity…. What’s the difference? All I know is I haven’t demonstrated in two
months, and I think I’m stagnant.”

A little old lady told a friend of mine the other day when they were standing
in line together that all she had ever wanted to have in life was four animals.
My friend who has a large dog and a big heart for strays said, “oh really, what
kind of animals did you want?’

The little old lady said “A mink on my back, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in
my bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it